Remarkably the bulk of 9/11 is seared into memory. I don’t know why… I can barely remember my wedding… it’s just a blur of fantastic and I can only remember about 3 distinct things about when I had Freya. I can tell you that I don’t ever want to see the images of the Towers burning, the smoke, the gut wrenching knowledge that they fell. Looking out my window now I see a sky that is so much like the one that day that bright late summer blue with white fluffy clouds.
I was at work; it started like it was like any other work day, I was in the office by 7:30 and we had an off-site staff meeting that day. I remember I was wearing pale khaki dress pants, a lace cami, a men’s white dress shirt and brown boots. Anyway, the meeting started at 8 ended it earlier than they had intended and as we emerged from the conference room there was a pile of people around a small television showing the images of the Towers on fire. I really had to use the loo, and made some sort of flip remark as I passed the television - I hadn’t really seen what had happened at that point and never in a million years would I have thought that those buildings would fall. I had been a part of a carpool to the meeting, and the guy that had driven had a big van that had a little television in it (this was before headrest telly’s). We were watching the news on the way back to the office; the first Tower fell just as we were pulling onto the highway. The girl sitting beside me was hysterical, her brother worked in one of the Towers and she couldn’t get through to him. I don’t remember getting back to my desk; we were told that if we needed to we could leave for the day. I stayed… I didn’t have a computer at home and I was trying to figure out (like everyone else) what the hell was going on. I sort of wandered from my desk to my coworkers desks, nothing but the bare minimum got done that day. Several of us went to donate blood, but the line was so long that we decided to come back later.
I left a little early – around 3 and then went to the gym to try and get a workout in. I wouldn’t call what I did a workout, but I got some sweating done while listening to NPR. And let me tell you using the old skool walkman radio while trying to run on the treadmill is not a good combination – the reception was really bad. So I packed it in after about half an hour and went home.
I don’t remember anything else clearly until the sun had set and we were watching television and ALL the stations had switched to their local news. MTV was broadcasting their local NYC news and that freaked me out the most for some reason. Husband was saying that it was most likely Osama bin Ladin as it was too well organized not to have a very serious group behind it. I remember thinking that the world was going to end in fire. I do not remember eating that day. I do remember that I took out a fifth of bourbon that night; I needed to be as physically numb as I was emotionally numb. I did not cry, and I can usually cry at a cat food commercials.
The next day was sort of weird… there was an odd quiet while people were regrouping. I don’t remember the rest of the week at all, I had off from work that Friday and was wearing the only red white and blue I owned, and watched the service held at the National Cathedral. There was a small church across the street, and they opened their doors for anyone that needed them, I did not go, but I remember they were ringing their bells. I found out the following week that my co-worker had heard from her brother, he hadn’t gone into the office that morning, but they had lost several good friends. I also worked the phones for the big telethon that was put together by AT&T and Capital One among others. That was an odd experience, most of the people I talked to wanted to go back into the queue so they could “get” a celebrity. After the queues were all clear it was around 3 in the morning – there wasn’t an empty Waffle House in the entire city. I remember walking into the house, eating an apple and then just sobbing.
Music has always been very important to me, and I distinctly remember the song that I NEEDED to listen to in the days following the Towers falling was Morning Dew by the Grateful Dead. When I hear that song now, I still remember what I was feeling those mid-September days in 2001. And later this song perfectly encapsulates my feelings about 9/11:
Forsaken
[April 98]
When I have nothing left to feel
When I have nothing left to say
I'll just let this slip away.
I feel these engines power down.
I feel this heart begin to bleed
as I turn this burning page.
Please forgive me if I bleed.
Please forgive me if I breathe.
I have words I need to say.
Oh so very much to say.
And whose life do I lead?
And whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin now do I feel?
I'm supposed to walk away from here.
I'm supposed to walk away from here.
And whose life do I lead?
Whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I now breathe?
I'm convinced there's nothing more.
The day you died I lost my way.
The day you died I lost my mind.
What am I supposed to do?
Is there something more?
The engines power down.
Like a soldier to his end I go.
Because I'm convinced
that there is nothing more.
and whose life do I lead
and whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin and whose blood do I feel?
What happens now?
Have I done something wrong?
Forgive my need to bleed right now.
Please forgive my need to breathe
But I've so much to say
and it wouldn't matter anyway.
You're not here to hear these words that I must say
and I'm convinced inside
that there is nothing more.
Whose life do I lead?
Whose air do I breathe.
Whose blood do I now bleed?
With whose skin now do I feel?
I have nothing left to say.
I have nothing left to feel.
Am I supposed to let this go now,
let darkness come and take you away?
© VNV Nation 1998
I was at work; it started like it was like any other work day, I was in the office by 7:30 and we had an off-site staff meeting that day. I remember I was wearing pale khaki dress pants, a lace cami, a men’s white dress shirt and brown boots. Anyway, the meeting started at 8 ended it earlier than they had intended and as we emerged from the conference room there was a pile of people around a small television showing the images of the Towers on fire. I really had to use the loo, and made some sort of flip remark as I passed the television - I hadn’t really seen what had happened at that point and never in a million years would I have thought that those buildings would fall. I had been a part of a carpool to the meeting, and the guy that had driven had a big van that had a little television in it (this was before headrest telly’s). We were watching the news on the way back to the office; the first Tower fell just as we were pulling onto the highway. The girl sitting beside me was hysterical, her brother worked in one of the Towers and she couldn’t get through to him. I don’t remember getting back to my desk; we were told that if we needed to we could leave for the day. I stayed… I didn’t have a computer at home and I was trying to figure out (like everyone else) what the hell was going on. I sort of wandered from my desk to my coworkers desks, nothing but the bare minimum got done that day. Several of us went to donate blood, but the line was so long that we decided to come back later.
I left a little early – around 3 and then went to the gym to try and get a workout in. I wouldn’t call what I did a workout, but I got some sweating done while listening to NPR. And let me tell you using the old skool walkman radio while trying to run on the treadmill is not a good combination – the reception was really bad. So I packed it in after about half an hour and went home.
I don’t remember anything else clearly until the sun had set and we were watching television and ALL the stations had switched to their local news. MTV was broadcasting their local NYC news and that freaked me out the most for some reason. Husband was saying that it was most likely Osama bin Ladin as it was too well organized not to have a very serious group behind it. I remember thinking that the world was going to end in fire. I do not remember eating that day. I do remember that I took out a fifth of bourbon that night; I needed to be as physically numb as I was emotionally numb. I did not cry, and I can usually cry at a cat food commercials.
The next day was sort of weird… there was an odd quiet while people were regrouping. I don’t remember the rest of the week at all, I had off from work that Friday and was wearing the only red white and blue I owned, and watched the service held at the National Cathedral. There was a small church across the street, and they opened their doors for anyone that needed them, I did not go, but I remember they were ringing their bells. I found out the following week that my co-worker had heard from her brother, he hadn’t gone into the office that morning, but they had lost several good friends. I also worked the phones for the big telethon that was put together by AT&T and Capital One among others. That was an odd experience, most of the people I talked to wanted to go back into the queue so they could “get” a celebrity. After the queues were all clear it was around 3 in the morning – there wasn’t an empty Waffle House in the entire city. I remember walking into the house, eating an apple and then just sobbing.
Music has always been very important to me, and I distinctly remember the song that I NEEDED to listen to in the days following the Towers falling was Morning Dew by the Grateful Dead. When I hear that song now, I still remember what I was feeling those mid-September days in 2001. And later this song perfectly encapsulates my feelings about 9/11:
Forsaken
[April 98]
When I have nothing left to feel
When I have nothing left to say
I'll just let this slip away.
I feel these engines power down.
I feel this heart begin to bleed
as I turn this burning page.
Please forgive me if I bleed.
Please forgive me if I breathe.
I have words I need to say.
Oh so very much to say.
And whose life do I lead?
And whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin now do I feel?
I'm supposed to walk away from here.
I'm supposed to walk away from here.
And whose life do I lead?
Whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I now breathe?
I'm convinced there's nothing more.
The day you died I lost my way.
The day you died I lost my mind.
What am I supposed to do?
Is there something more?
The engines power down.
Like a soldier to his end I go.
Because I'm convinced
that there is nothing more.
and whose life do I lead
and whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin and whose blood do I feel?
What happens now?
Have I done something wrong?
Forgive my need to bleed right now.
Please forgive my need to breathe
But I've so much to say
and it wouldn't matter anyway.
You're not here to hear these words that I must say
and I'm convinced inside
that there is nothing more.
Whose life do I lead?
Whose air do I breathe.
Whose blood do I now bleed?
With whose skin now do I feel?
I have nothing left to say.
I have nothing left to feel.
Am I supposed to let this go now,
let darkness come and take you away?
© VNV Nation 1998